a bit more culture shock

5 July - 9:10pm

I have to post this now - a little out of order I know - but I didn't want to forget any of the details because it blew my mind that much.

Background: We live in a rather large apartment complex called Raheja Residency (you can google map it, by the way). Each of the apartments has a balcony that faces the outside, as well as a balcony that faces the inside, like a service alley (very European). The inside balcony usually has the washing machine (remember, no dryer) or an extra sink. There are also windows all over our apartment, facing inside and outside, so most often than not, you can look directly into someone else's apartment. The kitchen is a big place that often opens onto the inside balcony - to ventilate better.

Story: About an hour ago, one of our neighbors came over. She had seen us cooking from her kitchen (we essentially sit inside balcony, 2m gap, inside balcony) and had even said hi a few times. Today, she wanted to meet us properly. Anyway, so she comes in and - honestly - just starts talking for about 45 minutes straight. Now, that is not the story. The story is about her life:

Her name is Nitu. She use to live in Delhi where she was a travel and customer care consultant for an airline company that has recently merged with Jet. Anyway, she got married about 7 years ago to a man named Sanjay - who insisted that she quit her job. So she did. She didn't know anything about taking care of a household - even how to cook. But she learned how to do everything. Four years ago they moved from Delhi to Bangalore, two years ago they had a son (which she said was rather late for an Indian marriage - five years to have a child - she is 33 years old).

She told us very quickly into the conversation/monologue that she has been suffering through depression for many years now and has been taking drugs to deal with it. The problem, though, was that the drugs were causing a lot of bad side effects - making it such that she could barely perform every day tasks because she was so numb. She told her husband that she didn't want to take the pills anymore, and instead go back to work. His response was that medicine and getting better was the first priority, work was second. Then she mentioned that she started seeing a doctor, apparently a psychiatrist, about a year ago - he told her that she was a schizophrenic. Now, my first response was that this guy had no idea what he was talking about. It seemed obvious that she just needed to go back to work and keep herself occupied, since she wasn't depressed when she was working.

Then she said that she started hearing voices, like 8 or 9 of them, a few years ago. When she talked about the voices, how she was alone when she heard them and would try to find the sources but couldn't, she started laughing so hard. Almost maniacally. It was kind of scary. And, essentially, she hadn't stopped talking. My thoughts were, at this point, that maybe the doctor was right.

Nitu said that she wanted to stop taking the drugs and start working again, if only for part time. But her husband was so adamant about her not, that he said if she left the house to work she couldn't return. So she stayed. And even though she stayed at home with him, he doesn't let her go out very much - not even for the sake of their son. Only to a nearby playground while the maids get groceries and run errands. One of Nitu's hobbies, before she was married, was traveling, and now he won't let her do that anymore.

Two days ago she started packing her bags - because she was tired of the voices and how empty her head had become - and her husband wouldn't let her leave. Sanjay said that if she tried to leave, he would cancel her credit cards, block her bank account, and cancel her cell phone. We asked why she didn't go to her parents' house, and apparently they took her husband's side and told her to stay there.

I mean, she was willing to give up her son and leave - just to have her life back, her brain back, her sanity back - and no one would listen to her. Her husband was so set in tradition that the woman shouldn't work but instead be a housewife, that he was willing to have a zombie as a wife (almost literally, Sonnett saw pictures of her heavily medicated). At all costs, she was not to work - even if it meant that she would feel "mentally retarded" - these were her own words - for the rest of her life.

You read about this stuff. The papers are riddled with brides committing suicide over dowry arguments or widows being shunned in their villages because they no longer have a husband (they can no longer wear the bindi or bangles after they are widowed). You never hear about it first hand.

Thank God I was a born a woman in the states. Seriously.